Capturing Sanity.

Through my drunk and harsh reality, surrounded by laughter and bliss, I realized something. A very sad something. But brilliant, and worth the recognizability.

On New Year's Eve, I realized, how I alone I really am. How alone this world is. How sad life really is.

Walking through a city with hundreds of thousands of people, the stranger (you) may be curious as to how you could possibly come to a conclusion of sorts at that time, on that day, with those circumstances. But in this reality we walk through, now is always the perfect time. Now is better than later. Now is better than never. Now is better than both you and I.

The ability to be open gave me the power to notice my singularity in life. A singularity worth exploring, and trying to move through. Because you see, now knowing what I know; I know that life will never be the same.

Where the beginning ends.

"Lies only get you one way. They're a point of no return." - Me.

Lived Life - Part 1

From time to time, I turn my back to the world and I turn my face to my past. My visual past, my analytical past, my lived life.

Life. The center. Happy-medium. Hearth. Your laughter. Your cries. Your anger. Your you.

I enjoy reflecting on the things I have accomplished in my life. I enjoy reading analysis' I have written through out my life the most. It's almost as if I wrote them then for me now. As a little reminder, that things are going to be okay. That not all is lost. And, that not all is found.

[But what is a game of hide and seek once you've seeked. The game is over. Life can be looked at as a game of hide and seek. You hide, and then you seek life when your insecurities have become secure. You seek until you have nothing left to seek, and when that time comes the game is over. I guess you could say seek wisely. Seek until you have nothing left to seek; so that your game over was a game with a generous amount of points. You may make it to a bonus round. :)]


I have not found everything in my life. Not at all. I will continue to be patient, I will continue to smile. I will continue to be there.

For, not all who wander are lost. But all who are lost will wander.

Me. I'm a wanderer. Come. Let's wander together.

All that is gold does not glitter.

All that is gold does not glitter.

‘All that is gold does not glitter, all that wander are not lost’ is one of the first things I read this morning as I signed onto my facebook. It strikes me. As does another one that describes the experiences we learn in life, the situations we are put through, and the choices we make with the information we withhold. So, I think. My choice. What do I do with the information I have gathered throughout the years.

For years I have considered myself a lost wanderer. For centuries so has the rest of the world. Maybe it is because the term wander has coincided with lost; thanks to definitions that give us the relations between the words and the meanings they portray. Let’s start anew, fresh. Let us make our own correlations, and our own meanings of life.

If we can define ourselves, then we can make choices based off the events that have brought us to this point in our lives. We can be the masters of our own disguise.

Red Sea.

Red Sea.

They call themselves fisherman. But they are not fishing, and they are certainly far from anything that is man.

They are murderers, and they live in a sea of blood. It should be their blood. But it is innocent blood. Blood that never asked to be shed. Blood that was lured in by the racketing sound of fear. Blood that took away their babies, their family, and last but never least, themselves.

They are the rarest form of beauty. But beauty nonetheless. They are the dolphin. And they are here to stay. But they need our help. Help from the real women and men of the world. Help from the ones that can see through the blood red seas and make them clean again.

Help from the ones that aren’t afraid to stand up.

-Mirrorless me.

**If you are any person that calls yourself a man or woman in any decency, then you will txt dolphin to 44144. To learn how to end the murder and violence happening in Japan every year! If not, then you’re just a bitch.

Cosmos Anyone?

For most of our lives, many women have spent endless hours if not their whole life searching for the perfect man. One that displays charisma, who smiles, is thin, full of color and life, flexible and most importantly understanding.

Now that sounds like my kind of man, and I found him. All of you reading this right now have found him too. It all came to me the other night while I was at my girl friends house, laying on the couch, reading my cosmo. I came across a three page spread of some of the sexiest men located all around the country. And then it hit me, the way I hit men out of my house who don’t carry those qualities. I shouted loud enough for my neighbor and our five animals to hear, “Pfftttt, who needs a boyfriend, I have a cosmo!”

My perfect man is a cosmo magazine and he comes in the November issue on an eight by eleven, full of color, thin and flexible sheet of paper. I like to refer to him as the “paper boyfriend.” He is sleek and sexy, and never rejects me. As a matter of fact I have a choice! Most of the time I am lucky if I have one pick of the litter, but not today. Today I can choose from several men, and if I get bored with North Carolina I can escape and move halfway across the country to Mr. Hawaii.

Paper boyfriends are the best kind of man there are out there. I can yell at them, change in front of them, dance like I’m having seizures, and the best thing about this all is that he will look at me the same no matter what. I could even get fat, let my boobs hang to the floor, and deny sex all at the same time. And you better bet your button that he’s still smiling at me by the end of the night.

After carefully reviewing the pros and cons, as many women can be caught doing, I have come across but two downfalls. Abuse by paper cuts, which is acceptable and heals in twenty four hours. And, the limited conversations that may not take place during this relationship. But what could possibly be so bad about that? He would be a great listener. And if any of you ladies date the same tard nuggets I do, then you’ll understand that silence is golden.

Grown-Up

Sometimes I sit and wonder, as most people wonder, just sitting or walking aimlessly while their minds flutter elsewhere. But, I wonder what life is all about. What one must endure, and what one should endure, where does it stop, when is it too much. Or is that what life is about, endurance. I understand that some philosophers or what not would say, well "what IS endurance?" And "what does TOO much feel like?" And others would desensitize my whole philosophic structure and say that "endurance depends upon the nature of the individual enduring it." These "others" just trying to make themselves sound smarter, but really they are just repeating the nature of my story and adding the average reasonable everyday tolerance level to it.

When people grow up, and I say this as if I am not grown up, but really maybe I should be categorizing myself within this grown up theory.

Okay, so...when people grow up and get married and yada yada, is it really always peaches and candy? How much is too much? How much of someone else's shit are we supposed to put up with before we say eff you? And why do others work on it, is it just a psychological deference of not wanting to give up and lose? Were we all really meant to be alone and walk the barren Earth once as our forefathers did? Who knows, and why bother fighting the cycle.

I will never know the answers, or maybe I will one day when I'm grown up.

Long Term Relationships

They actually say couples that are together from young on have a higher chance of lasting because when they change, they change together. Which is something a lot of people don't know. Change is something that is always going to happen individually, and if your with someone it has to happen together and not mentally apart, physically, or geographically.

My Philosophy on Partnership.

I do not need someone
who thinks I'm beautiful

I do not need someone
to make me happy.

I need someone
who sees the change they want
to be in the world.

I need someone
who knows who they are,
what they want,
and what they can offer.

I have friends
who see the me
I want them to see
and that is what matters.

I can make myself happy. :)

You only really need one person to know who you are, the rest is for show.

Singularly Solo.

In all actuality humans would probably function a lot better on their own, but since we depend of communication for a variety of social functions, we do everything in pairs or groups.

Think about it though. People, by nature like to do what they want to do, and then we depend on the weaker person to conform to what we want to do instead of what they want to do. And voila, pairs. But then in doing so, one person is always giving up what they truly want to do. Considering people are unique individuals and there is never at any given point that two people are alike.

You.

You stole my heart away.

You stole my heart away when I was but a young girl.

You molded my mind into one of your own.

I listened to every word you said, and I believed it all too.

Six years later, you stole my heart away.

You stole my heart away when I was but a young woman.

You molded my mind into thinking you were ready.

I listened to every action you made, and spoke with re action to your every face.

For six long years you thought of me day and night.

But today is today and you have still not shed any new light.

When will you open your eyes?

When will you shed a new skin?

When will you see that we were meant to be?

Maybe one day.

One day when you are sixty three.

The man who fell for me.

I just had a dream that the man of my dreams just came falling from the sky, literally.

He was not a tall man, neither a short one. He was five-ten, five-eleven. He had blonde hair, and blue eyes. He was extremely nice, like scary nice.

I was outside of my house, I believe there was a backyard. And I step outside because I see something falling out of the sky. It is a plane. Not a normal boeing, or a small private plane. But a more Disney like plane mixed with an old model airplane and a newer model jet, boxy-like a barrel.

There was smoke, but no fire. Then, he landed in my backyard.

“Don’t move,” I stammered. And with a smile on his face he said, “Oh no, owe, no it’s okay I was practicing for this new job I got.” He was practicing going up, but gravity had taken his toll and brought him back down.

I ran inside the house, and out with water for him.

“Want to go for a ride?”

“I don’t really think I want to land like that.” And we both laughed. “Hold on one second though.”

I couldn’t just jump into a plane right then in there, what was I doing. I was freaking out, I was being me. The fire in me was still alive and I was going to take advantage of it. As soon as I went to an old friends house and the closest one to me, Ashley. I ran there to confide in here. I mean, after all, a man did just fall out of the sky into my backyard. And a handsome one at that.

While I was on my rondevue to Ashley’s house he decided to get the plane back up and running he started being nosey and looking about the neighborhood. Well he spotted Ashley through her glass wall. She was on the computer. It had been roughly ten-fifteen minutes already. So he had called me, and asked where I was and when I was coming back. He also noted that he is looking at a girl that looks like me. My cover was blown, he spotted Ashley, and to stop the situation from becoming dishonest I showed my face and smiled. I told him I’d be right there.

How could I not, he was too nice. So I took my opportunity.

It was then, at that very moment, that I realized I was my mother.

Everything evolved into nothing.

Some people do nothing with their life. I define nothing as a lack of motivation for life. To sit home, relax, clean a little, stuff your faces. You "work," but you do not technically work. You do not file a 1040 at the beginning of the year, and you most certainly do not get paid on any specific day of the week. You wait for life to find you, for knowledge to seep into your brain like a beneficial virus.

What the life doctor forgot to tell you as he was delivering you from within your mothers womb, was that life did not find you. You found life. You swam fast, dove hard, and hit the center; laying there lavishly for nine months until you felt the need to reach out.

For some, that is as far as they will ever get. Whether it be their choice or anothers. For those who continue on, will be given the opportunity to reach the stars. Whether you are born into riches or rags, it is your decision to make something of yourself and/or your decision to let the world decide something for you.

My whole life I have always had an urge to learn more. Growing up my mother always researched little things. My grandmother knew everything, so wouldn't the "everything" gene just have been carried down through the years?

That is what I thought, until today. I thought I knew everything, or a lot at least. No one has ever told me elsewise.

I once learnt that you are who people see you as. Some refer to it as the looking-glass self, while others have made a philosophy of it. I see it as the truth, and I have come to follow through with this in the way that I carry out my life. People usually come to me for advice, or ask if I know the answer to this. I usually do, and if I don't I will research it until I can find an answer. I like to know everything, and I [thought] knowledge didn't hurt.

From the attention I have receieved from people through the various years of my life, I have come to the conclusion that maybe I actually am smart. But apparently thinking you know everything makes you a little "rough around the edges." So maybe I'm not so smart at all. And maybe I should keep my opinions to myself. Or maybe you should shut your ears.

Either or, becarful of what you say. You might just end up like me, the one who knew nothing. It is better to know nothing than anything at all.