Cosmos Anyone?

For most of our lives, many women have spent endless hours if not their whole life searching for the perfect man. One that displays charisma, who smiles, is thin, full of color and life, flexible and most importantly understanding.

Now that sounds like my kind of man, and I found him. All of you reading this right now have found him too. It all came to me the other night while I was at my girl friends house, laying on the couch, reading my cosmo. I came across a three page spread of some of the sexiest men located all around the country. And then it hit me, the way I hit men out of my house who don’t carry those qualities. I shouted loud enough for my neighbor and our five animals to hear, “Pfftttt, who needs a boyfriend, I have a cosmo!”

My perfect man is a cosmo magazine and he comes in the November issue on an eight by eleven, full of color, thin and flexible sheet of paper. I like to refer to him as the “paper boyfriend.” He is sleek and sexy, and never rejects me. As a matter of fact I have a choice! Most of the time I am lucky if I have one pick of the litter, but not today. Today I can choose from several men, and if I get bored with North Carolina I can escape and move halfway across the country to Mr. Hawaii.

Paper boyfriends are the best kind of man there are out there. I can yell at them, change in front of them, dance like I’m having seizures, and the best thing about this all is that he will look at me the same no matter what. I could even get fat, let my boobs hang to the floor, and deny sex all at the same time. And you better bet your button that he’s still smiling at me by the end of the night.

After carefully reviewing the pros and cons, as many women can be caught doing, I have come across but two downfalls. Abuse by paper cuts, which is acceptable and heals in twenty four hours. And, the limited conversations that may not take place during this relationship. But what could possibly be so bad about that? He would be a great listener. And if any of you ladies date the same tard nuggets I do, then you’ll understand that silence is golden.